If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
