just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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