Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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