So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
