Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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