A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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