just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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