there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
