ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
