I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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