The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
