Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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