my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am one with the molecules
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
