The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
