you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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