I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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