Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
