I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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