why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
