My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
