After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
