WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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