I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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