I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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