May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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