my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
