god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
