I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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