I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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