Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
