the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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