You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I smell like Dick and happiness
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