I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
