guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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