Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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