Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
