Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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