First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
