He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
