Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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