then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
