I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
