I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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