so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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