I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
