There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
