he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
