Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
