I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
