I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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